Lately I have felt the "already, but not yet" of our situation. I love how it correlates to and reminds me of the "already, but not yet" of my salvation. I am already saved by grace, justified in Christ, declared righteous, and seen as holy. Yet my salvation is not yet. I am waiting, groaning for the day when I will have a new, resurrected body that is truly holy. Piper's sermons on Romans (which I am plodding through at an extremely slow rate) have been a great reminder that most often, salvation in the Bible is FUTURE salvation. What a hope we have!
As far as our current circumstances, we are already so many things. Home from the hospital, past surgery, have a good prognosis, thankful for Kara's well-being. But not yet. She is not yet strong, she is not yet off her feeding tube, and I am very much not yet able to "do" "everything" (Wait a minute, am I ever? Praise the Lord I am not, even the meager amount I can do leads me to sinful pride).
Last Friday and through the weekend, we were discouraged. Kara seemed to have plateaued in her eating abilities and Jeremy and I realized (and still think) months, rather than weeks, are how long we will be on the feeding tube.
Since then, she has started to progress a bit. Her oral feeding numbers have gone up a bit, and we are so thankful! She averages around 40 mL per fed (formerly more like 30... stuck there for quite a while), and her feeds are 95 mL each. So, we're about halfway. We're not sure the criteria for being off the tube (how long she has to be at what % of the feeds, etc). I think that is a decision we and the Drs. will make when we are much closer to being there. For now, we are so thankful. We found a feeding position that Kara enjoys and seems to do better at. We have also improved at "pacing" her at the beginning of the feed. (Pacing her means we are making her breathe which she tends to forget to do - harder than it sounds. If we do not pace her, she forgets and just does "suck, suck, suck..." it's like a marathon runner who sprints the first mile. She tires out and cannot finish).
I am thankful for so many things with her feeding. Yes, it is a LOT of dishes and coordination with my pumping, her bottle feeding, and her feeding tube. But it is such a joy that she needs Mommy or Daddy to eat (feeding her is much different than our other 2). I am also very relaxed because we know exactly how much milk I'm making and exactly what she's getting. I never have to wonder "did she get enough?" "is she crying because she's hungry?" Nursing Moms, you must know what grace that is to not have the stress.
She is PLAYING! (i.e. batting) and SMILING regularly. What a joy! She first smiled purposefully about 5 days ago, and I was thinking "what in the world??" I am not one for checking out "when is baby supposed to do that?" but in this case, I did. Yup, right "on time" at 6 weeks. I figured that since she missed a few weeks at the beginning of her life she'd be slow to smile and interact. Thank the Lord I was wrong (at least in this small milestone).
We are "managing" at home. I am so thankful she is our 3rd child. Our other 2 can be quite self-sufficient and helpful. I have thanked God again and again for all my Mom's help around our house the last few weeks in cleaning our home and for her constant willingness to watch kids and loan her car for Drs. appointments or just to give me an extra hour or two with Kara or to nap. Naps have been incredibly scarce, but God has given us the energy we need. We are still surviving on freezer meals from others (thank you!) and a few I made while pregnant.
I had my 6 week O.B. appointment yesterday (Kara is 7 weeks Wednesday!). My O.B. was also our perinatologist and it was a joyous reunion to see her, our sonographer, and the nurses who walked the prenatal journey with us. They were thrilled to see Kara (I figured they wouldn't let me in the door without her... all my appointments were always about her =). We were reminded to thank God for the excellent care. All His children are in His hands, but Kara's life has clearly already been saved at least twice.
Please keep us in prayer for wisdom as we re-enter life. We have felt isolated and "busy" within our little nuclear family for a long while, and I can feel the temptation to start doing and seeing too quickly. Pray for Jeremy to get GOOD rest at night.
Join us in thanking God for His goodness, sustaining grace, Kara's progress, and particularly on my mind right now for His grace in allowing Kara to still have Mommy's milk.
Here is a picture of Connor and Katie enjoying the Snoqualmie train with Mimi and Papa. What a treat to have them so nearby. We are looking forward to other Grandparents visiting here soon.
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